Better Sex for LIFE!

I think it is an absolute shame when marriages fail because one or the other party in the marriage has grown unhappy or unsatisfied with the sexual aspect of the relationship.  There is nothing more short sighted and selfish in my mind than for a person who is an otherwise typical marriage to begin having sex with other people in order to recapture that "first time feeling" again.

I believe that the sexual aspect of a successful relationship will change and grow, ebb and tide over the years. I think it's important to understand that you may not feel that first time excitement each time you have sex with a partner that you've been with for a long time, but while you can't necessarily recreate that first time experience with your partner, you can keep your sex life exciting and rewarding.

Also, while it's true that if you take a new partner sexually you can indeed get that first time feeling the first few times that you actually have sex with that person, but soon you'll find that feeling fading and you'll have to begin your search again for a "first time" fix.  This pattern can only repeat itself over and over, until this aspect of your life ultimately ruins all the other aspects of your life, your marriage, your peace of mind and even potentially your health.

In other words, if you give in to the urge to go have sex with someone new, just to get that new feeling again, you're headed for heartache.  Better to make the relationship you have more rewarding, add spice back into it, recapture some of that excitement with the person you already chose to spend your life with, and don't fool yourself into thinking that an affair is going to replace what you think you're missing.  Don't talk yourself into believing that sex with this new person would be so wonderful that the two of you would live "happily ever after" once you divorced your current spouse and remarried this new person.  That's a destructive fantasy and the odds of it becoming reality are slim at best.

Ok, so I'm convinced that you should adjust, repair or rebuild your sexual relationship with your current spouse, and wind up with a much more rewarding long term situation than if you give in to the allure of a new sex partner and have an affair.  If I've still got your attention at this point, I'll assume you've decided that I've made some sense, and that you will at least hear me out.  So, let's move on to some of the steps I think you need to take as you work to rearrange your outlook on this subject.

Remember - this should be FUN

The last thing you want to do is to put yourself and/or your spouse under any pressure as you begin to modify your sexual relationship, so I strongly suggest that the two of you try to keep this process filled with a healthy, positive, fun and adventurous attitude.  In this section, I've highlighted a few books that have been written specifically to help people add some fun and excitement back into their sex lives.  A great example of this type of thing is the 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex book.  This book will almost certainly guarantee you at least 101 nights of sexual experiences that are fun, provocative and generally something you haven't tried before, so if you don't know where else to begin, you can treat these books as your "instruction manual" as you head down the roads towards a better sex life.  

I've also recently been in contact with Michelle Weiner-Davis, who has authored several books that are geared towards offering advice for relationship rebuilding.  Her latest book, "Sex -Starved Marriage" is now in bookstores.  This latest book is definitely one you should take a look at if you're finding that the sexual aspect of your relationship is suffering. 

But whether or not you try one of these books, just try to make sex a fun part of your life again.  Sex shouldn't be a duty, it shouldn't be something that only gets attention late at night when you're both exhausted.  Don't be afraid to send the kids to a friend or relative's house for the afternoon and have sex in the kitchen.  Try to remember and recapture the feelings you had when you first discovered your partner, fantasize about being with him/her, try things you may have thought or read about but may never have been brave enough to do. 

I'm going to highlight two specific web based resources here, because I sincerely believe that the material they contain are of the highest possible quality and relevance to this topic.  The first is a site called "Orgasmology".  While the name sounds like it's some new science, it's really just a site full of VERY helpful tips for making sex better.  Definitely geared towards the male visitor.  The other is "500 Lovemaking Tips" and the information on this site is a bit more balanced in terms of offering tips and advice for both men and women.  Both have information you can get your hands on right now and that you can put into action TONIGHT!  Don't wait to get started on this course towards making sex fun again!

Get In Shape

I simply cannot say enough times how important I think it is to be in good shape physically.  If you have let yourself slide physically, chances are very good that you may be feeling somewhat self conscious about your body, and it's going to be hard to fully enjoy sex is you don't feel good about yourself.  It's also quite likely that shedding those extra pounds will help to rekindle your partner's attraction to you.  And let's face it, being in good shape can only help your stamina and energy once the sex gets started.  Getting into shape cranks your metabolism back up, you'll be more energized, more alert and you'll quickly begin feeling better about yourself.  Someone who radiates a confident sense of well being is much more attractive than someone who is embarrassed about the condition of his/her body.  And let's face it, we're talking about turning your marriage back into a solid, rewarding relationship, so it makes sense to keep yourself as healthy as possible so that you can stick around and enjoy it for a long time.

Additional Recommended Reading

• Fix Your Sexless Marriage - So many people struggle, but here's some straight talk on how to fix the problem!
• Orgasmology.com - Funny name, I know, but good info here.
• Killer Orgasms - Give them, get them.  Need I say more?
• Esinuals.com - Strange name - excellent advice from the woman's perspective.

In our ongoing attempt to educate and inform, we've got direct links to a few books on the subject here, and more in our online bookstore.