It's okay to use an online dating site!

 

Once you've started to heal from the pain of the divorce you've been through, you'll slowly start to find yourself starting to think about trying to get involved in some type of new relationship.  I have a lot of people ask for advice on this topic.  Most of us were involved in marriages for a long time, and let's face it, our dating skills haven't been put to use for a long time.  Now we're recovering from all kinds of emotional wounds that the process of divorce always causes, and let's face it, it can be downright scary to think about putting ourselves back out there "on the market", especially when the market is such unfamiliar territory. 

 

As with anything, where there's a need, someone will create a business to address that need.  There are now all sorts of online dating services, and this is sort of turning out to be one of the predominant methods that us divorced folks are using to reconnect with others who are looking.  But, it's a jungle out there!  So, I put this guide together to help you navigate, and to hopefully increase your odds of success while at the same time helping you avoid the pitfalls that could wind up causing you more pain and heartache.     

 

A bit of a primer

 

Before you get started, let me introduce you to some basic precautions that you need to take, in terms of basic privacy issues and personal safety issues. 

   First of all, be very careful who you give personal information out to.  Most dating sites are setup so that you can shield yourself somewhat from the people you are meeting, by using an alias.  It's important to understand that these sites do this for a reason.  Not everyone you meet online will be who they say they are!  Don't give out personal information such as your address, phone number or even your real email address until you are very comfortable that you know who you are talking to. 

 

 

Be extremely careful when first meeting someone you've met through an online dating site.  I strongly recommend that any meetings take place in a well lit, public place that you both arrive at independently.  A coffee shop is a good example of a place that makes a good first meeting site.  Don't be afraid to bring a friend, or at least let a friend know where you are going, who you are meeting, etc. 

 

Be careful with your heart as you head into this arena, as again, everyone is not always presenting their true face to you as you chat online.  Just be cautious, careful with private information and don't be overly optimistic that the first sweet talking person you meet online is going to wind up as the love of your life. Now, that said, please understand that it is definitely possible to be successful with online dating, you just have to be a bit cautious as you proceed.

 

Step One

 

I always suggest that people get a free email address to use for all online dating correspondence, because once in a while, you'll find that someone who contacted you was in fact simply fishing for email addresses to sell to a spam list.  Yahoo and Hotmail are two free email services that are easy to join, and work well for handling the email you may start receiving from these sites.  Both also have pretty good tools to help you attempt to filter spam messages out.  If the filtering doesn't work, at least if your account begins to be filled with junk email, you can abandon it and create a new one. 

 

As you create an email account, you now have to start thinking about creating your "online persona", or the alias that you are going to go by as you sign up for these services.  Most folks choose not to use their real name as any part of their alias, and instead try to come up with something catchy of maybe even a little descriptive.  As with vanity license plates on cars, people are pretty creative with their aliases, sometimes saying a lot with just a few letters.  For instance, "dlphnlvr" is an alias example of a person who goes by "Dolphin Lover".  "aqt4u" can be read as "A Cutie For You".  You get the idea.  Sometimes this new alias or nickname has to be relatively short, but the people you're interacting with online will, for the most part, be somewhat familiar with trying to figure out how to read them, so don't worry that people won't "get it".

 

Step Two

 

You're going to need a picture to post online if you want to get a decent response to your ad.  I suggest finding one that's relatively recent, and that shows you doing something you enjoy.  Try to find one that may show a bit of your personality.  You'll need the picture in digital form in most cases, but if you absolutely cannot get a picture scanned into your computer to upload to the services, many will (for a small fee) scan and post your printed picture for you. 

 

Step Three

 

Now it's time to select a site or two to join.  There's a lot of options out there, and again, in the interest of getting you headed in the right direction, I've put together this list of sites, with a little blurb on each so you'll know basically what kind of site they are.  Most sites will let you join and post an ad for free, however, you'll be a bit limited in terms of what you can do on most of these until you actual pay some sort of subscription fee.  Most of the fees are minor, you're not going to have to spend tons of money to do this, but you may have to spend 10 - 50 dollars or so to really get the most use out of just about any of these sites.  (One note here, if you do pay to subscribe to any of these sites, and you got there from my site here, they'll kick back a small commission to me.  That's how I pay the bills associated with running this site.  So, if you are thinking of joining one, I'd sure appreciate it if you'd do it from in here.)

 

• eharmony.com - This site has a more detailed profile system than just about any other site currently running.  Their aim is also to give you enough detail about a person to let you know if you have common interests with them before you initiate any form of contact.  This site does truly seem to be interested in digging beneath the surface in hopes of connecting you up with someone who is right for you.  Be prepared to set aside some time to fill out the VERY extensive personality profile as you sign up here, but rest assured, it will be worth it as you see the quality of the people here.  This is one of the higher priced sites, if you opt for a single month of membership here, it'll set you back $49.99.  Now again, you're not going to get 1000 people's profiles matched up with yours hear, you may only get a few.  But those that you get will definitely be people that you are highly compatible with.  Don't let the price scare you off, if you're serious, this may be the best site to really dig into.
• AdultFriendFinder.com - Adultfriendfinder takes a slightly different approach.  This is a site that bills itself as the biggest sex and swingers site on the web.  If you'd prefer to try to find a sex partner then this is the site for you.  Profiles here include nude pictures of many of the members, along with some quite explicit profile questions relating to your sexual interests.  Keep your wits about you in here.  Not everyone is who they seem to be.  Guys may find it bothersome to find that quite a few of the women who post ads on here aren't looking for dates at all, but are in reality simply promoting their own web sites.  It'll cost you roughly the same $25 a month to join here as with most sites, but, you if you're looking for a direct, sexual relationship, this may be a good place to spend some time.
• Alt.com - Alt.com is put together by the same folks that brought us Adultfriendfinder, but this site takes things just a little further.  Here you'll find members who are primarily involved in the BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado / Masochism) lifestyle.  Definitely not a site for the faint of heart, but if you're looking to explore this lifestyle, this is the place for you.  Again, the typical $25 a month subscription is required to really do anything here, but I don't think you'll find a more "focused" site.