"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
If you're not quite sure..
Ok, it's time for me to say some things here, man to man. While times are definitely changing, it's still true that most marriages end because us men can't control our sex drives and we go off and have an affair. If that is the case with you, do me one favor before you allow your marriage to end this way. Look yourself in the mirror, make the hard decision, end the affair and turn all of your energy towards saving your marriage. Remember your wife and your relationship with her as it was when you first met her. Try to find a way to fix things with her, work out your problems and re-commit to staying with her. This isn't going to be easy. You've taken a lover to fill the "gaps" in your relationship with your wife, but have you really given your wife a chance to fill those gaps? Does she even know what you need? Have you applied yourself to fixing your marriage with as least as much commitment as you apply to your career? If your boss walked in tomorrow and said "You've got six months to whip your ass into shape or your fired!" wouldn't you totally focus yourself and apply every ounce of your energy to keeping your job? You should be even more worried about losing your marriage.
Divorce isn't a solution, especially to the problems we think we're solving through infidelity. You may have yourself convinced that this "other woman" is the one who'll make you a happy man forever, but ask yourself this -- how will she ever truly trust and respect you when she knows you're someone who cheats on his wife. And what about your kids? What'll they think about their dad as they grow up, knowing he left mom for another woman? What I'm trying to say is that in many cases, us men divorce our wives without giving them and ourselves a real chance to succeed as a couple. It's not your fault, we're wired differently than women. Our needs are physical, theirs emotional. But believe it or not, there is a way for both of you to get your needs met, if you'll learn some new skills and practice them as if your life depended on them.
I'm going to recommend two specific books here, if I've convinced you at all that a divorce may be a mistake and not a solution.
Divorce Busting: A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together
Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner
Read them, attack the problems you are having in your marriage just like you would any other problem. There are solutions available to you, but you're going to have to work at it. But if you do, everyone involved will be better off for it. Now with that said, if you're still moving forward with the divorce, then read on.
When Divorce Is Inevitable
A few days ago, I was asked to review a new book, one that is targeted directly at us men. It's called "A Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How To Get Divorced With Grace, A Little Dignity, and A Lot of Common Sense", and as you can see from the title, it is a book that is taking a different approach than many other books about divorce that are written for men.
I need to say, I think this book may be the single most important book you ever read if you marriage is ending or about to end. The author, Sam Margulies, Ph.D., J.D., has been involved in mediation for over 25 years, and has an extensive knowledge of what works, and more importantly, what doesn't work. His book offers a tremendous amount of specific things you can do to minimize the fighting, to perhaps keep your wife from going after you tooth and nail, and to keep you on a sensible track through your divorce so that you can get it done with the least amount of fighting and the quickest return to some sort of a normal life. If I could, I'd insure that every man who has even heard his wife mention the word divorce would be able to read this book.
While I'm trying very hard not to do anything to contribute to making your divorce more combative, there are some issues that are specific to men, and some resources I've found that are here to help men with some of the unique challenges you might face when going through a divorce.
While divorce is slowly starting to be less "stereotypical", in many cases men still wind up getting the worst part of the deal, both in terms of the financial side of things and also where custody and visitation is concerned. If you walk into this thing uninformed, you're probably going to get worked over. You need to understand that you have rights as a father, rights as a man and that you need to make sure your rights are being looked after. I hate to refer to divorce in terms of winning and losing, I think things are better for all involved when the fighting is minimized, but at the same time, I am not advocating that you roll over and play dead. But I also want to caution you to strive for the "high ground" on the moral side of things. Don't be petty or inflexible. Your children see you as the strong, honorable head of the family. Take the role seriously and they'll still respect you after the divorce. In most cases, you're the one who'll be moving out. Dad's place is going to be new to the kids, Dad's role in their life will be something they'll be unsure of for a time. Stay involved, stay honorable and continue to be the man they can look up to and respect.
You need to figure out what's the most important to you in terms of the financial aspects, the custody and visitation, the property division, etc., and then you need to make sure you and your legal representative do everything possible to help you reach a satisfactory resolution to each of those issues. Now, let's be realistic here, you're most likely going to wind up being the one who ends up moving out of the house, you'll probably wind up paying child support and possibly even alimony. But you also have the right to remain fully involved in the lives of your children. You have the right to fight for your own financial survival. But again, I cannot stress it enough, your self respect and the respect of your kids will be much better overall if you conduct yourself in a mature, stable and predictable manner.
Now the books I've featured in this section are somewhat varied, but they are definitely geared directly towards men who are going through divorces. (Ok, there's one or two linked there that isn't dealing with the actual divorce process...) Get yourself informed, don't let the legal process roll over you like a steam roller. This is a time in your life when you need to take some action, get yourself informed and stand up for yourself and your children. They deserve and need to have a fully involved father in their lives after the divorce. Keep that as a priority and they will suffer less as a result of the breakup of the family.
- A Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How To Get Divorced With Grace, A Little Dignity, and A Lot of Common Sense - Perhaps the single best resource for men who are entering into or going through a divorce.
- Always Dad: Being a Great Dad during and after Divorce - The most important thing you'll do with your life is raise your kids. Don't let the divorce turn you into "monster dad".
- Sexual Mastery - Ok guys, we all try to fool the world into thinking we're born knowing everything there is to know about how to please a woman, right? Well, I'm here to tell you that there may just be a trick or two you DON'T know! This eBook will blow your mind and make you someone that women find much more fun to be with. It doesn't matter if you're trying to resurrect your marriage, or get your life back on track after the divorce, this book is a must read!
- Father's Rights: Hard--Hitting and Fair Advice for Every Father Involved in a Custody Dispute
- Fighting for Your Children: A Father's Guide to Custody
- Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children's Lives when They Aren't a Part of Your Home
- Winning Your Divorce: A Man's Survival Guide
- Orgasmology.com - You should take a look at this site. We can all use a tip or two on how to make our women more happy and sexually satisfied, can't we? Come on, don't be afraid, just check it out.
Additional Recommended Reading
Family Law
Secrets Revealed
Always Dad: Being a Great Dad during and after Divorce
