"Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and then fail them is surely damnation."
Lois McMaster Bujold
The most important section of this site.
There is not a single section of this site that I have taken more seriously, or spent more research time and effort on. You see, I believe that as soon as you bring children into the world, your own personal needs must become somewhat secondary to the needs of your children. And let's face it, you are an adult, you can understand the changes that are coming about as a result of the divorce. Your children are not so lucky.
The information I'm putting together here is primarily aimed at parents who have younger children but I think it's also important to give these issues a lot of consideration even if your kids are teenagers or older when the divorce happens.
Let's establish a few things before I get started here:
- Children go through a divorce just as much as you do. They may not have the same feelings that you do, but make no mistake, their feelings may be just as intense and just as scary as yours are.
- Divorce happens to kids, they don't get to choose it. Imagine the frustration and anger that they may experience when they are informed that Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be living together anymore.
- Children love BOTH of their parents. The relationship that has broken down is the one between you and your spouse. There is typically no reason for the relationship that your kids have with both parents to suffer as a result of the divorce.
- Kids are amazingly resilient. You will probably be amazed at how adaptable your children are. If you handle the new situation with care and understanding, and spend some time really considering their needs, your kids will most likely adapt to the new situation a lot faster than you will.
Now, as I get started, I've broken this section up into some of what I think are the most important things you need to consider as this time of upheaval progresses. Each section will focus on one particular aspect of child rearing during and after a divorce. I've tried to keep each section brief while still presenting the idea adequately. You can go to any section directly, but I also recommend that you take a little time to read each on, even if it doesn't seem like an issue that is particularly relevant to your situation.
You will also find some links to books and ebooks that are directly related to this particular aspect of divorce. I have been extremely careful in selecting the information that I'm going to refer here. If there is one area where I did NOT want to steer you wrong it was here. So, as you work through this section, I'd suggest that you review some of what I've added here, as the folks I've linked with are some of the most highly qualified voices I've found on the topic of helping your kids survive the divorce. One book in particular is a brand new one that I've just finished reviewing. If you've worried at all about the long term impact of the divorce on your children, this one is a must read. It's based on a 20 year study of the children of divorced families, and it's full of the kids telling you exactly how they felt about divorce, what worked and what didn't. I have worried constantly that my own divorce was going to set my girls up for failure, in life and in their own relationships in the future. Reading this book has calmed some of those fears, and has given me some new insights into what children need from their parents during and after a divorce. This book is "We're Still Family" and it's written by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. In 1994, Constance wrote another book, entitled "The Good Divorce." For that book, she interviewed couples that were going through divorces, in an effort to get a real life understanding of what divorce was really like. For this book, she has gone back and located the children of those same couples, and interviewed them about their own experiences. What she found was not nearly as negative as what you might have heard about how divorce affects children. I believe this book should be required reading for EVERY couple that has children as they divorce.
Some of what you're going to hear in this section I suspect you already know, but you may have not considered it lately as you've been going through your own pain. Believe me, I understand exactly how difficult it can be to "step outside yourself" during a divorce, to focus your thoughts on what's best for your kids without letting the pain and anger towards your spouse cloud your judgment, but that is exactly what you must do. So, let's get started. Again, each section here is a little portion of the overall tapestry of child rearing through and after a divorce.
- When Divorce First Hits - What your kids need to know, and what they DON'T need to know.
- Living Arrangements - Taking care to make sure the kids have homes, not just a roof over their heads.
- Shared Parenting - Is it really necessary to make one parent a "visitor" in their childs' life?
- Managing Conflict - Make sure you don't let the kids become pawns in your adult battles.
- Child Support and Visitation - Are we making Daddy pay to spend time with his kids?
- Moving On - Introducing your children to new significant people in your life.
Additional Recommended Reading
As I was researching the various web based resources that pertain to protecting children through a divorce, I happened across one site in particular that has some of the best advice I've found yet on this subject. Dr. Reena Sommer has been working with divorcing families for over 20 years, and during that time she has developed some very solid tools for helping guide you through a divorce that will involve children. Two of these tools that I think are extremely relevant are "Children's Adjustment to Divorce" and her "Developing an Effective Parenting Plan e-Course".
