Protect the Children

When Divorce First Hits

Every family and every situation is different, and so your children may have known that their was trouble brewing, or the news of the divorce may take them completely by surprise. Either way, there is some information that you need to give them right away, so that they can be reassured that they will be taken care of as things begin to change. I think it's important to be honest with your children, while at the same time understanding that there are certain aspects of the divorce that they do not need to be involved with. I think it's important to present the divorce as neutrally as possible. Please resist the urge to place blame as you explain to them that Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be together anymore. All the feelings of anger you may have at your spouse have no place in your children's feelings towards that parent. There is simply NOTHING to be gained by telling a child that Mommy or Daddy is to blame for the divorce. Every child has a right to continue to love and RESPECT both of their parents, during and after a divorce. Be careful of what you say, and remember that while YOUR relationship with your ex-spouse is changing, that person will be your child's parent forever.

There are some very important things that you need to tell your kids right up front. You need to make them understand that THEY ARE NOT TO BLAME for the divorce. In many cases, when kids aren't old enough to understand the dynamics of a marital relationship, they tend to believe that everything that happens is a result of their own behavior. It's not uncommon for them to assume, unless reassured otherwise, that the divorce is happening because they've been a bad kid. Even if they don't say this, you should make sure you've discussed this with them and made them understand that what is happening is in no way their fault.

Your kids do NOT need to know the details of what bad things Mommy or Daddy did to cause the divorce. Just keep it to yourself. There is nothing to be gained by dragging them into the details of the breakdown of your relationship.

You need to make them understand that they are going to be safe and cared for during and after the divorce and that they are still going to be able to spend lots of time with both of their parents. As I went through my own divorce, I found that my girls were turning to their friends as they tried to figure out what divorce meant. One of their close friends sees her father only once or twice a month since he divorced her mother. My girls, having nothing else to compare to, assumed that was what normally happened when parents divorced and so assumed that they would be seeing very little of me after I divorced their mother. It wasn't until my 7 year old told me that one night, through eyes filled with tears, that I understood how poorly I had communicated to them how things would be once the divorce was done. Once I sat down with them, and explained to them that Mommy and I were going to do our best to make sure that they spent lots of time with both of us, and that I would be close by, they quickly seemed to relax, accept this new version of the world and go back to being relatively happy kids.

Your kids do NOT need to know the details of what bad things Mommy or Daddy did to cause the divorce. Just keep it to yourself. There is nothing to be gained by dragging them into the details of the breakdown of your relationship. If there has been fighting in the marriage, drug or alcohol problems or other issues that were always out in the open, they will already have their own understanding of what's caused the problems. If they want to discuss this, then try to discuss it in a way that will preserve the love they still have for that person. But again, resist the urge to try to make an ally out of them by telling them the details of who did the wrong things to make the divorce happen. They shouldn't have to take sides.

Living Arrangements

At all times, keep in mind that your divorce is between you and your spouse. Your children are unfortunate victims of a process that they have no control over. The more you can do to maintain consistency in their lives, reassure them that their lives will still be as normal as possible, their needs will be met and that both of their parents still love them, the better off they will be. Children are extremely receptive to tension and anger, they know something bad is happening and they may be filled with their own fear and uncertainty about what the outcome of the divorce is going to be. It's your job to reassure them, comfort them and do everything in your power to make sure they understand that what is happening between Mommy and Daddy is not their fault

There is no one simple solution to the problem of the living arrangements after the divorce. In some cases, the family house can be kept by one spouse with the children spending as much time there as possible in order to maintain order and consistency in their lives, but in other cases, both parents will have to find new housing. I recommend that you don't fret too much over the long term affects of this decision. Make the decision that makes the most sense, but don't sacrifice financial stability just to try to avoid selling the family home. Kids are extremely resilient and a change of housing won't necessarily create huge emotional scars. (They may try to convince you it will, particularly if they have close friends who live nearby.)

One thing that has worked well for myself and my girls, is to involve them in the decision making process as I worked out my own living arrangements. (Their mother kept our family house and I moved out during the divorce.) By keeping them informed and involving them in the process of looking for apartments and such, they seemed to feel more in control of their own lives and accepted the new housing without any problems. Again, there is no one solution that is perfect for every situation, but I think it is important to remember that home is where family lives, no matter how grand or plain the actual house may be.