Protect the Children

It Takes Two Parents

One of the things that divorce often creates is a tangle of parenting issues that often leave the kids caught in the middle, confused and trying to figure out which rules apply at Dad's house and which are in affect at Mom's. While it's going to be difficult at first, while the wounds are still fresh, you should be working to maintain some form of open communication channel between you and your ex-spouse on the subject of parenting. One of the things that has proven to be very important for the kids is for Mom and Dad to be able to still work together to insure that the kids have consistency in parenting.

Again, in the first few weeks and months following the divorce, the last thing you will probably want to do is communicate with your ex about much of anything, but it's important to at least try to maintain the basic core family rules and values that were in place before the divorce took place. By keeping things somewhat consistent, you'll help minimize the turmoil for the kids. As time goes by, this aspect of things will probably get a little easier, if the two of you can set aside your own animosity enough to focus on what's best for the kids.

While it may be tempting to let the kids stay up late at your house, when you know your ex-spouse imposes a strict bedtime rule, this kind of "my house is funner" behavior will do more harm than good in the long run. Kids need consistent parenting, even though they would be the last to admit it. If the basic rules are the same at both houses, they'll be under less of their own stress as they travel back and forth between the two homes.

I strongly believe it takes two parents to raise good kids, and if you spend a bunch of time trying to punish your ex by removing him or her from the parenting process, you'll be doing your kids a disservice.

And again, kids need two parents. Don't assume that your the better parent just because your the Mom, or just because your the stable, bread winning Dad. There are areas of growing up that you'll be the best prepared to guide them through, but just as importantly, there will be areas that your ex-spouse will be best suited for. I strongly believe it takes two parents to raise good kids, and if you spend a bunch of time trying to punish your ex by removing him or her from the parenting process, you'll be doing your kids a disservice.

Managing Conflict

Just the other day, I picked my girls up from their Mom's house. They had a big story to tell me about, one that seemed to be both upsetting and confusing to them. It seems that the ex-wife of the man my ex-wife is with now is pretty mad at him since finding out the my ex and he are going to have a baby together. (I've tried to stay very neutral on this subject with my girls, simply supporting them in their excitement over the pending new arrival.) Anyway, it seems the other ex was mad because the daughter of that marriage was visiting her dad and he had called to say he would have her back to her mom's home a little later than scheduled. To retaliate against him, the ex-wife blows the episode all out of proportion, makes all kinds of threats and even involves the police in the episode. This is the kind of situation that just drives me nuts. Here's a perfect example of a hurt ex-spouse, playing her child as a pawn in the game of punishing her ex-husband for divorcing her. My girls couldn't understand why he got in trouble for keeping his daughter with him for an hour longer than agreed to, and I can only imagine how confused that little girl must be to find that the police have to come talk to Daddy after he ran a little late bringing her home. I'm sure the ex-wife feels justified in her actions, after all, she's mad at him and so she feels justified in making his life miserable and the only weapon she has in her arsenal is her child. I say "Shame on her" for acting this way.

I know that we all have VERY strong negative emotions when it comes to our ex-spouses. Divorce leaves us hurt, angry, sad, rejected, humiliated and more, and what's worse is that the person who did this to us has to remain a player in our lives for basically the rest of our lives. The temptation to spend the rest of our lives trying to make them miserable by keeping conflicts going is strong, but it is very damaging for us and our children.

I think there is a better way to live our lives after we divorce. I think it's possible to minimize the conflict and even forgive our ex-spouses for whatever pain they caused us, so that we can live our lives without all that negativity around us and our children. But, I also live in the real world, and I know there are going to be times when there is going to be a genuine issue that creates a conflict between you and your ex. My suggestion would be this. Do whatever you must to insure that the children don't get caught in the middle of it. Don't play them against your ex. Don't involve them in the conflict. This is a problem between you and your ex-spouse, two adults who should have some skills and experience in managing conflict. It needs to be kept between the two of you, and your children should have the right to be left out of it. You will only do them damage in the long run if you try to turn them against their other parent, or if you try to get them to take sides with one or the other of you.

Child Support and Visitation

Let me first say that I hate the term visitation as it applies to a parents role in their childrens' life following a divorce. I don't think a Mom or a Dad should become just a visitor in the life of their child just because the marriage went south. However, I know that visitation is what it's called by the courts, so for now, let's just use that word.

One area that consistently seems to get distorted in divorces is the relationship between child support payments and visitation rights. In the eyes of the courts, these are two totally separate issues. However, in many divorces, if a child support payment is late or missed, the other party seems perfectly justified in withholding visitation rights. This is not only illegal in terms of abiding by the typical divorce decree, but it is also a bad way of resolving the situation. I'll explain what I mean here, first let's discuss the legal aspects of the situation.

In the typical divorce decree, child support is an amount of money the one parent must pay to the other to assist with the day to day expenses associated with raising the children. The amount of child support that will be paid is normally arrived at through some form of calculation, based on such things as the number of nights the children spend with each parent and the amount of money each parent makes. The child support amount is not designed to allow Mom to buy a new car, it's supposed to replace the normal day to day contribution that Dad made to the household when he lived there. Dad, it's not punishment from the court for getting divorced, it's simply a logical way for you to continue to participate in the raising of your kids. Remember, Mom and Dad divorced each other, neither divorced the kids!

Now visitation is the schedule that is arrived at to allow the absent parent time to be involved with the children. This time is consistent and basically a guaranteed legal right for the absent parent. I've never seen a divorce decree that said anything about visitation being allowed on a regularly scheduled basis "unless child support isn't paid." Again, in the eyes of the courts, these are two totally separate items. They should stay that way outside of court as well.

If you're the parent who has the responsibility for paying child support, just pay it! Pay it when you are supposed to pay it, pay it without making your ex plead for it, pay it just like you would anything else you've taken responsibility for. I know it seems like you're making payments to your ex-spouse, almost as it that person is getting a reward for getting the divorce, but that's not really what you're doing. You supported your children when you lived with them, but most likely you did it a little at a time. It's tough to get used to writing out that check all in one lump sum, but if the truth is told, normally the parent who has the children the majority of the time is ultimately in a tougher financial position than the person who pays the child support.

If you're the parent who has the children the majority of the time, keep the visitation schedule as consistent as possible and don't try to withhold visitation to coerce your ex into paying child support, or anything else you think you're entitled to. The courts recognize the importance of regular participation in the children's lives from BOTH parents, you need to understand that importance as well. Even if the ex is late with child support, that is a monetary issue between you and your ex. That is NOT a visitation issue where you keep your children from spending time with that parent!

The court systems have progressively gotten tougher on the parent who doesn't pay child support, vigorously garnishing wages and such to insure that the monetary responsibilities are met. I personally wish they would as vigorously act on those parents who choose to withhold visitation as a tool to manipulate their spouse. I can't say it enough times -- you and your spouse divorced each other. NEITHER OF YOU DIVORCED THE KIDS! Your kids are a product of both of you! Both of you need to continue to be a positive, ACTIVE influence in their lives, for the rest of their lives! Divorce ends a marriage, not a parenthood!