"Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and then fail them is surely damnation."
Lois McMaster Bujold
Introducing New People Into The Mix
At some point, your most likely going to begin having relationships again. In many cases, as you get involved with other people your age, you'll find that many of them have been divorced and have kids, ex-spouses and more extended families to deal with. As time goes by, your going to have to begin to involve your children in these new relationships, so let's talk for a few minutes about some things to watch our for here.
First of all, I think it's best to be realistic about the people who come in and out of your life as you start dating. Let's face it, some portion of them will only be people who pass through your life and there's really no reason your children need to be involved with them if you aren't even sure their a good person for you. I have a hard and fast rule that seems to have served me well as I've started dating again. I don't introduce my children to anyone that I've seen only a few times. If I'm not sure a person has a least the potential to become a long term person in my life, I see no need to even introduce my kids to them. Kids typically like everyone, and often quickly attach themselves to new people, especially when they sense that this new person is important to Mom or Dad, and so why burden them with another loss if that person turns out to be someone you aren't going to be involved with for long? You'll have to come up with your own guidelines, but I've talked to many divorced people who adhere to some sort of rule. For many, it's something like "no one meets my kids until we've dated for three months". Again, you may not need a rule here, but you should be giving this issue some consideration as you start dating.
Ok, so now let's assume that you've found someone you're pretty interested in and things are starting to show some promise. I still think you should exercise some care as you introduce this new person to your children. Try to be sensitive to some of the fears your child might have as they meet a new person in your life. They may be afraid that this woman that Dad is dating is supposed to become their new Mommy, replacing their real Mommy. You may be surprised to find that instead of embracing this new person, your child will be hostile towards them. A hostile reaction to a new person in Mom or Dad's life isn't all that uncommon. If your child does react this way, it's important for you to be understanding, patient and sensitive to whatever fears your child may have. Try to talk about the situation with your child, without the new person around. Let them tell you their reasons for not liking this new person. Talk about their fears, help them work through the situation, but always understand that their fears or hesitancy to accept a new person are legitimate and you're not going to help them work through them by getting mad at them for not accepting Daddy's new friend.
You may find some of the same when the kids are introduced to the kids of the person you are dating. Bringing extended families together can be a little difficult, but if you work at it, be patient, fair, consistent and understanding, you may will probably find that soon, the kids will adapt to the new family and embrace the "step" sisters and brothers. Again, here's an area where consistent parenting is important. When your kids and the new person's kids are together, they all need to be treated consistently. If your kids see that they have one set of rules, but the new "step siblings" have different rules, you'll only add to the difficulty of putting the extended family together.
If you take some care as you introduce your children to a new extended family, you'll create a situation where they benefit from the influence of new loving family members in their lives. If your careless about the impact on your children as you move in and out of new relationships after your divorce, you may find that you're adding to the misery of both yourself and your kids.
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