Communication - is there really any of it taking place?

I once heard someone say that the biggest mistaken assumption about communication is that any of it has actually taken place. I heard that comment in a business environment, but it stuck with me and I think it is actually relevant to many different aspects of our lives. Men and women communicate differently, and as marriages move on through the years, communication patterns get deeply ingrained and if we don't pay attention to the act of communicating with our spouse, we may find that we're talking but our spouse isn't getting the message.

And as emotions get involved, often the communication gets even less effective. We may be so stuck in patterns of poor communication that we absolutely must make some very fundamental changes to the way we communicate if we expect to be heard at all.

Perhaps an example is in order. Let's explore the communication of a fictional couple. I'll call them Jim and Betty. Over the past few years, Jim has developed a pattern of behaviour that goes something like this: Come home from work, eat dinner without offering more than a word or two of conversation, retire to the recliner with the remote control in one hand and beer in the other. Betty, having grown tired of the routine, and feeling like she must get Jim to change his habits finally gathers up her strength and walks in front of the TV one night to proclaim to Jim "Jim, I've had it. You and I never talk anymore. You drink too much and watch too much TV. If you don't give up the beer and TV and get back into this marriage, I'm going to divorce you."

Let's take a guess about how effective this will be. Jim is going to feel defensive right away, the only possible course of action he can take at this point is to defend his lifestyle, or to just crack another beer and continue to ignore Betty. Betty has taken an approach that has placed all the blame squarely on Jims shoulders, and now, in her mind, she has nothing else to do but sit around and wait for him to change.

So, let's look at this logically for a minute. Jims habits didn't develop overnight. The communication between the two of them also probably didn't break down quickly. Instead, their pattern of communication has developed over years and it's very likely that continuing to do things the same way they've done them forever isn't really ever going to change the situation. If Betty can try a different approach though, if she can state her case in a more neutral way so that Jim isn't forced to get defensive, if she can show him she is going to be as involved in solving the problem as Jim, then just possibly there is a chance that the two of them will make some progress. Let's see if we can't reformulate Betty's little speech to Jim, putting it in a more effective format so that she has a better chance of making something change... "Jim, I'm having a problem with the way things are going lately. I really want to work on our marriage and see if we can't get back to the way things were when we first got together. I miss the way we used to talk to each other about our day when we first got home. I miss the things we used to do together. I would really like to see if there's a way that you could maybe drink less and watch less TV and spend more time together with me..."

Now there are no gaurantees that either scenario will work, but I think it's important to understand that in the first scenario, Betty basically dumped all the blame for the current situation in Jims' lap and then effectively stepped back with her arms folded to see if he was going to suddenly change his ways and work his way back into a meaningful relationship with her. Not likely!

In the second scenario though, Betty hasn't told Jim that HE has the problem, she told him that SHE has a problem that she needs his help with. See the difference a subtle change in communication can make? Jim, instead of being told he is the bad guy, now has been told that his wife has a problem that she's needs him to help her solve. Guys love to be problem solvers! Again, this is just a fictional scenario here, but I think it illustrates the point I'm trying to make.

If you are having problems in your marriage, and you truly want to solve those problems, you are going to have to get creative about how you begin working to restore the communication that has been lost in your relationship. You can't do the same things you've been doing and expect different results.