Communication - is there really any of it taking place?

Let’s take a minute to look at one of our fictional couples, Jim and Betty.  Jim comes home from work, eats dinner, drops into this recliner with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other and doesn’t move until he’s ready to fall into bed.  Betty has had enough. She’s yelled at Jim, brow beat him, withheld affection and still hasn’t made any progress towards getting him inspired to change. She doesn’t want a divorce, but she feels like she’s at her wits end.  Finally, she can’t take it any longer  Mustering her most serious look, she sits down with Jim for “the talk”.

“Look Jim, I really don’t want to get a divorce.  I love our house, the van, and I want to stay married.  Now if you can just quit drinking, I’m sure we can get along better and avoid a divorce.” 

Betty is probably going to have to learn some new communication skills if she really wants to start trying to save her marriage.  The skills she’s put into the marriage so far got her where she is today, so it makes sense that she might have to practice some better communication if she's going to expect things to change.  The way she has presented things, Jim gets the total blame for the situation, and she's placed all the responsibility for changing on Jim's shoulders.  In affect, she's given him an ultimatum; You change or I'm outa here.  She might have to say something more like this:

“Jim, I really value our marriage and I don’t want to end it without giving it every chance of being saved.  We have some problems we’re going to need to work out together if we want to stay together.  One of the problems I see in our life right now is the amount of drinking you are doing.  If you’ll commit to helping me by making that problem go away, I’ll commit to doing whatever I can to make sure that the things that are bothering you go away.” 

Now there are no guarantees either way here, Jim may listen to Betty either way she states the situation, belch loudly and pop the top on another beer.  But in the first scenario, Betty has basically put the entire weight of the relationship on Jim’s shoulders.  She made it clear that it’s his fault the marriage is in trouble.  Most likely, Jim is going to become defensive.  He probably already knows his drinking is a problem, but what we don’t know is what else it is that is eating away at Jim that makes him drink so much in the first place.  Our prediction for this scenario?  This marriage won’t be saved as long as this couple continues to operate with the same skill set they used to get to this point.

In the second scenario though, Betty hasn’t really told Jim he has a drinking problem, she’s told him that she has a problem with how much he drinks.  In affect, she has a problem that she needs Jim's help with to fix.  Hmm, now Jim, being the Great Man, Mighty Caretaker of His Family, suddenly finds that his wife has a problem and she’s asking for his help to fix it.  Men LOVE to solve problems!  He may just surprise Betty by saying “You know Betty, the reason I drink so much is because it helps me forget about the mountains of debt we have.  If we can get some of this debt off my shoulders then I don’t think I’ll have to drink myself unconscious every night.”  See what happened?  Jim had some problems of his own.  Maybe Betty makes a little too liberal use of the family credit cards, and Jim is worried about finances.  Whatever his problems, at least by being more careful about how things started off, Betty gave him a chance to react without just getting defensive.  She made sure Jim understood that it was him she wants, that she needs his help but she also made it clear that if he’s not willing to work on the marriage it will have to end.  Our prediction here is much more optimistic.  Already, this couple has identified some of the root problems that have been tearing their lives apart.  They haven’t lashed out at each other, they haven’t said hurtful damaging things to each other, they’ve identified some specific THINGS that need to change.>  Sure, Jim will have to take action to stop drinking, just as Betty will have to help get the finances under control, but those things are just challenges and I believe that tangible challenges can easily be conquered when a couple is working together to tackle them.

One important point here.  I intentionally made this scenario one that left out the complications that are inherent when there is infidelity involved.  If your spouse has been involved in an extramarital affair, you’ve got a whole unique set of emotions and challenges that you’re going through.  But infidelity is just another challenge.  It too can be overcome.  At the point in time when you first become aware of the fact that your spouse was unfaithful, you probably won't believe what I just said, but it really is true.  Marriages can survive infidelity, under the right circumstances and with the right actions taken.