What happens when infidelity happens

 

As promised, it's time to talk about those specific scenarios where infidelity is the driving force moving you towards a divorce.  Finding out your spouse has taken a lover can be one of the most devastating problems you may ever be faced with.  It brings with it a whole bunch of feelings, including some you might not have even suspected you'd feel.  You'll be surprised at how the actions of your spouse can make you feel so bad about yourself.  Your self-esteem will get pounded, you'll feel not only angry at your spouse, but also personally humiliated, rejected, hurt, embarrassed and any number of other feelings.  In fact, most people who've experienced an affair in their relationship are convinced that it is the worst marital pain they could possibly experience.  And the odds aren't working in your favor either, as more than 50% of all spouses will experience this at some time in the marriage.  

 

Affairs happen for lot's of reasons, but mostly they happen when one person finds that some of their emotional and physical needs aren't being met inside of their marriage.  For right or wrong, they turn outside the marriage in search of what they are missing.  Perhaps they've even tried to work things out with their partner first, but have been rejected, rebuffed or otherwise not taken seriously.  In my particular situation, my wife suffered from low self-esteem, and found that being overly friendly and flirty with other men made her feel temporarily better about herself.  Eventually, her behavior led to physical affairs, more than one, and some that took place over long periods of time.  The entire time this was going on, I was totally unaware of the fact that she was so desperately searching for ways to feel good about herself.  Had I been paying more attention to what was going on with her, I may have been able to help her combat some of her self-esteem issues.

 

 

Affairs are also double-edged swords, in that typically the person who is actually having the affair also finds themselves filled with conflicting emotions.  While their new lover fills some of the needs they are so desperately searching for, the act of cheating on their spouse also brings feelings of self-loathing, shame and even in some instances thoughts of suicide.  

 

If you're in a situation that involves infidelity, you've got a tough road ahead of you if you really want to put your relationship back together.  The first step that needs to happen is that the affair needs to end, totally and completely.  You are entitled to ask for that, and to get complete cooperation from your spouse on this point.  If your spouse can't break off the affair, can't come clean to you and promise and be held accountable to prove that the affair is no longer going on, you're not going to get past it.  

 

You're also entitled to complete honesty about the affair.  Your spouse may not want to tell you all about how it happened, how he/she got together with the third party, but you have a right to know how the affair was handled, how the two of them spent time together, etc., so that you can watch for similar patterns in the future.  Your spouse must become totally accountable for her/his schedule, proving through both action and accountability that the affair has no chance of starting up again.  

 

That's the first step.  The affair must stop, your spouse must promise to take whatever steps are necessary to keep from being tempted to resume the affair, and you must be able to be shown that your spouse is working to rebuild your trust by proving that the affair is done.