Work to get past an affair

After the affair is over, the next step you're going to have to start working on is trying to get to the bottom of the reasons your spouse had the affair.  You're going to need to understand what emotional and physical needs you weren't meeting, and learn how to meet them for your spouse.  In return, your spouse is going to have to work very hard to meet your emotional and physical needs as well, as you start to recover from the hurt and anguish the affair has caused you.  You're going to have to be in this together, and totally, or you don't have much of a chance.  This process is going to have to become the highest priority in both of your lives.  

And ultimately, you're going to have to forgive your spouse.  You may find that once you get the honesty, and proof that the affair is over, and once you begin to learn what was missing in your relationship, that understanding may help lead you towards forgiveness.  Don't worry if it doesn't come right away, it's perfectly normal to wonder if you'll ever forgive her/him for breaking your trust.  Just try to understand that you are passing through a perfectly normal emotional reaction to this type of situation, and that the grief will pass with some time and some effort.  But also understand this, forgiveness will benefit you as much as it will your spouse.  When you forgive, you unload a burden from your own shoulders.

Finally, on this subject, let me just say that I do not believe every marriage can be saved.  You might have to face the reality that your marriage is doomed.  It's no better to stay in a relationship out of fear of the unknown, clinging to false hope that "things will work out somehow" than it is to go ahead and make the decision to terminate the marriage and move on.  And as I said before, only you can ultimately make that decision.  However, I also think it must be said that in most cases, divorce is a no-win situation for everyone involved over the long run.  I think we too often give up, because we lack the commitment necessary to work out our problems.  I've known people who thought they would be happier once they divorced, only to find that the source of their unhappiness was somewhere within themselves all along, and the marriage going bad was only a symptom of that.  What a waste that is!  To tear a family apart, put yourself through the heart wrenching process that is divorce, only to find that your basic unhappiness is still with you long after the divorce is final.