Ok, it’s time for me to say some things here, man to man. While times are definitely changing, and this might not be the circumstance that is causing your marriage to fail, it’s still true that most marriages end because us men can’t control our sex drives and we go off and have an affair. If that is the case with you, do yourself a favor before you allow your marriage to end this way. Look yourself in the mirror, make the hard decision, end the affair and turn all of your energy towards saving your marriage.
Remember your wife and your relationship with her as it was when you first met her. Try to find a way to fix things with her, work out your problems and re-commit to staying with her. I’m not going to tell you that this is going to be the easiest course, but I firmly believe that you should give your existing relationship every single chance before tossing it by the wayside.
You’ve taken a lover to fill the “gaps” in your relationship with your wife, but have you really given your wife a chance to fill those gaps? Does she even know what you need? Have you applied yourself to fixing your marriage with as least as much commitment as you apply to your career? What do I mean by that? Let me explain.
If your boss walked in tomorrow and said “You’ve got six months to whip your ass into shape or you’re fired!” wouldn’t you totally focus yourself and apply every ounce of your energy to keeping your job? Doesn’t it seem like perhaps saving your marriage should get at least as much attention and commitment?
Divorce is a pretty dramatic and disruptive solution, especially to the problems we think we’re solving through infidelity. You may have yourself convinced that this “other woman” is the one who’ll make you a happy man forever, but ask yourself this — how will she ever truly trust and respect you when she knows you’re someone who cheats on his wife. And what about your kids? What’ll they think about their dad as they grow up, knowing he left mom for another woman?
What I’m trying to say is that in many cases, us men divorce our wives without giving them and ourselves a real chance to succeed as a couple. It’s not your fault, we’re wired differently than women. Our needs are more physical, while theirs are more emotional. But believe it or not, there is a way for both of you to get your needs met, if you’ll learn some new skills and practice them as if your life depended on them.
When Divorce Is Inevitable
While I’m trying very hard not to do anything to contribute to making your divorce more combative, there are some issues that are specific to men, and some resources I’ve found that are here to help men with some of the unique challenges you might face when going through a divorce.
While divorce is slowly starting to be less “stereotypical”, in many cases men still wind up getting the worst part of the deal, both in terms of the financial side of things and also where custody and visitation is concerned. If you walk into this thing uninformed, you’re probably going to get worked over.
You need to understand that you have rights as a father, rights as a man and that you need to make sure your rights are being looked after. I hate to refer to divorce in terms of winning and losing, I think things are better for all involved when the fighting is minimized, but at the same time, I am not advocating that you roll over and play dead.
But I also want to caution you to strive for the “high ground” on the moral side of things. Don’t be petty or inflexible.
Your children see you as the strong, honorable head of the family. Take the role seriously and they’ll still respect you after the divorce. In most cases, you’re the one who’ll be moving out. Dad’s place is going to be new to the kids, Dad’s role in their life will be something they’ll be unsure of for a time. Stay involved, stay honorable and continue to be the man they can look up to and respect. Try to make the best of things the way they are, and just roll with the punches that are sure to come your way.
You need to figure out what’s most important to you in terms of the financial aspects, the custody and visitation, the property division, etc., and then you need to make sure you and your legal representative do everything possible to help you reach a satisfactory resolution to each of those issues. You’ll certainly need to be prepared for some give and take, but if you really get it clear in your own mind what things you can be flexible on, and what things you just won’t give up on, that clarity will help you stay on track.
Now, let’s be realistic here, you’re most likely going to wind up being the one who ends up moving out of the house, you’ll probably wind up paying child support and possibly even alimony. But you also have the right to remain fully involved in the lives of your children. You have the right to fight for your own financial survival. But again, I cannot stress it enough, your self respect and the respect of your kids will be much better overall if you conduct yourself in a mature, stable and predictable manner.
Get yourself informed, don’t let the legal process roll over you like a steam roller. This is a time in your life when you need to take some action and stand up for yourself and your children. They need to have a fully involved father in their lives after the divorce. Keep that as a priority and they will suffer less as a result of the breakup of the family.
- Family Law Secrets Revealed – Many experts believe that the current family law is stacked against men when going through divorce. This ebook has bunch of really targeted information that you may want to get before you get
through a divorce that winds up stripping you of custody of your kids.